heebie jeebies...

hello from memphis. yes, i am currently still on vacation. it's actually quite lovely and depressing all at the same time. depressing in the fact that i miss work. i miss the cold warehouse. it's really quite bizarre to me, but nonetheless i miss it.

i know i haven't written in a while, but christmas snuck up fast along with some last minute orders. so things got scrambled and left in the wake of destruction that is december. we pulled through, mostly unscathed, but the blog got neglected and for that i apologize.

i hope the holidays were wonderful for everyone and that you all have a good new year. but for now the blog is on hold until i actually step foot back in the warehouse in the ghetto.

but i will tell you the cockroach story:

i went to throw out the trash from the office. i was talking to darwin while i dumped the trash out and out fell a cockroach. i screamed and did the heebie jeebie dance. darwin laughed and wanted to know what was wrong. i told him a giant cockroach fell out of the trashcan. so of course he proceeds to go view this cockroach. he then asks me what i would do if he flung that cockroach on me and i told him i would just sit down and start sobbing uncontrollably. he laughed and threatened. it was a traumatic morning for me to say the least....

moral of the story: do not throw cockroaches at the person who keeps the company together. it will most decidedly result in disaster for you and said company....

p.s. heebie jeebies apparently are not actual words....LIES

you play ball like a girl!

well hello there. it's so nice to see you. what can i help you with?
- this is typical of how a day in my life goes. usually there is a problem involved in this and it's that a. i didn't know they were coming b. i have no idea who they are c. they refuse to tell me what they want/who they are.

this also occurs on the phone quite a bit. hello, yes i need a quote on such and such. okay well questions questions questions. okay, well what is your number, okay now what is your name? OR my favorite personally. i need some wood and want to come see what you have got. -okay we are appointment only. when is a good time for you - well when are you there? - good grief charlie brown....around in circles we go a couple of times...-okay i'll see you then. - okay great, what is your name, would you like directions?

what happened to the simple etiquette of introducing yourself before you speak to someone who clearly has no idea who you are. i introduce myself when i answer the phone, you could at least do the same. i mean come on. how hard is it to remember your own name? i get it, some people are just too scattered to notice they have not introduced themselves, but then you get awkwardly far into the conversation and you can't ask for their name so now you have to wait for a saving grace. someone to walk up and introduce themselves. that doesn't always work however. darwin and i try that a lot. he will talk to someone without having a vague idea what their name is and i will walk out and introduce myself. sometimes it works, sometimes i just get oh hello nice to meet you. well shoot.

this usually happens more to me than to darwin because he likes to schedule meetings and conveniently "forget" about them. so in walks said person and i have no idea why they are here, what they want, much less who they are. that usually leads to a frantic phone call to darwin and he of course doesn't answer, because that would make my life entirely too easy. so i move along and introduce myself and ask what they are specifically looking for. usually something complicated so i just nod, smile, and point. (works wonders). always immediately when they leave, darwin calls me back... you're killing me smalls.

this happened the other day. i did have notice this time. darwin called me the night before and told me that designer was coming by to look at stuff. he was sure he would be there on time, but to make sure i was supposed to get there earlier than normal. okay okay fine fine yep yep. of course he was late. she was perfectly lovely and easy to talk to. (she also brought doughnuts; quickest way to darwin and i's hearts is through food.). we chatted, she told me about a sewing class, i told her my sewing knowledge...all was copacetic and then in strolls darwin. he takes over and i slink away. she did however come to find out that i was the way to reach darwin. email me or call me and i will get it done. darwin will more than likely forget about it, and also in turn forget to tell me about it....makes for a fun day for me with angry customers that i have to ping pong around topics with because i truly have no idea what they are talking about....

etiquette people. simple simple etiquette. use it and see how you are rewarded. not always, but more than enough to warrant it's use. etiquette lesson of the day: do not fold napkins and put them back on the table when you are finished. they are supposed to be wadded. side note: i HATE wadded napkins. tricky little devils...

jelly of the month club?

it's the holidays. it's cold. this translates, to dot freezing to death. yea i mean quite literally freezing to death. there just are not enough layers in my closet to adequately provide for warmth. i did learn that darwin bought me a present. in the form of a propane powered heater. YES! maybe now my fingers won't hurt so incredibly bad, or the pens will stop rebelling and start writing again, and maybe just maybe the internet router will start to function properly again. all of these are big maybes i might add....

back to the holidays. the season of giving. well at the moment i am fighting with hallmark.com to make christmas cards for work. yes it's last minute and yes having a proper internet connection would probably work wonders, but again these are things i don't have. we always do things last minute. i did however make a list of people to send them too about 2 weeks ago. so you know, way ahead of schedule there. now i am back to behind schedule. welcome to december. side note: i'll probably end up buying darwin's christmas presents for him next week, because let's face it, he's never going to get it done...

okay so holiday cards. i personally love getting them. i really like ones with pictures. so that is what we are doing this year. we had grand plans of sitting on the log yard with the dogs and taking a picture, but that clearly didn't happen. ::sigh:: maybe next year. ha, yea right. besides it's been too freaking cold to even be alive, must less pose for a picture. so that led me to scrounging around the computer for pictures. naturally i figured one with wood in it would probably be appropriate, go figure, but i also wanted one of me and darwin. ya know the brains, heart and the soul of this operation...(i would like to take credit for all mentioned, but with the holiday season upon us, i let darwin have some of the glory as well....) here is the hitch, there is not a single picture of us together. not a single one out of 2 years. so then i had to ponder. and then i remembered....we went to maine this summer. there is ONE picture. it's terrible, we look stupid happy (probably because we just ate free fresh off the boat lobsters); scratch that, we look like little kids on christmas...PERFECT.

maybe we should just enroll everyone in a jelly of the month club...it is the gift that keeps on giving...

so now i have to decide what else to use. put the dogs in the picture? maybe. just maybe...i swear this post is attempting to go somewhere. here it is. my first christmas at the lumber yard (sounds like a children's book). i was again in charge of christmas cards. so i decided to elf ourselves. if you haven't elfed yourself, i highly recommend it. HILARIOUS. darwin was santa, and whitney and i were elves. it was atrocious and hysterical. everyone loved them. i had a great time making them, mainly because if people only knew what hijinx go on around here, they might be a little bit appalled. but whatever. christmas cards. yes please. now if only the internet would work properly...

i wish i still had the photo to show you guys. i have no idea where it is. it was disgusting.

a la christmas vacation (one of my favorite movies of all times):

"Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse."

gravity bites.

you know in charlie brown when he goes to kick the football and every time lucy pulls the ball away? it never gets old and is always funny. that's a little bit like this story that darwin reminded me of yesterday...

drew is our original sawyer (literally one who saws). i say original because darwin got jealous and bought his own sawmill...boys will be boys. anywho. drew. he is the king midas of breaking things. always hilarious, a little nerve racking, and sure to make darwin cringe. so for me that equals one of two things: laughing hysterically or running away from the mad bear...never ever poke the bear. i repeat never ever poke the bear. (although i must admit occasionally i do poke the bear...it can be entertaining.)

take for instance the forklift falling in a sinkhole that i mentioned in my first entry. that was drew. driving along in helga (god rest her poor little soul) and WHAM! helga falls in a hole. hilarious, mouth dropping, and puzzling as it was, drew was not too pleased. darwin and i just stood completely and utterly aghast. he. forklift. helga. what? what? how? what?

now getting helga out of a hole requires another forklift. i call them hans and frans. they are our matching green forklifts. hans and or frans gets helga out and on with the day we go. but don't you worry, drew and helga will fall in another hole. trust me on this. well maybe not with helga, although he did do that a number of times more, but with another forklift. it's bound to happen. forklifts are heavy suckers. its just a matter of gravity. thanks sir isaac newton for that little tid bit of science.

moving forward. still involving drew and forklifts. now darwin does not like hans or frans to go outside. they are not made for outside. only he is allowed to take the precious babies outside. well, as you all know by now some things around here just don't go as planned. drew took hansy and or fransy outside one day. he was throwing stuff (read oversized wood chunks that i get yelled at for later by the complex) away in the dumpster. now here is where that charlie brown and lucy scenario comes to play. i call the motion of charlie falling "slippery feet."

drew is loading a dumpster and getting stuff off the tines of hans or frans. well seeing as how these forklifts are not supposed to go outside...one of the tine bolts came loose and well if you can guess where i am going with this...drew went feet over head into the dumpster. now i did not witness it, but darwin told me about it and i am pretty sure he was crying he was laughing so hard. drew however was not amused. he was soooo mad. but come on, picture a grown man cartoon style falling into a dumpster. now that is funny! absolute comedic gold.

i would like to say that drew has learned his lesson and doesn't take hansy or fransy outside anymore, but you clearly do not have a grasp on this adult daycare center...he does not however climb the forklifts like mountains. his feet stay firmly planted on the ground (well most of the time).

and the streets are paved with cheese!

isms. everyone has them. it's like a persons trademark. most of the time you don't know that you use them incessantly until someone points it out to you.

my isms:
silly
kiddo
malarkey
phenomenal
(i am sure there are more, but refer back to my previous statement)

darwin's isms:
good lousy
jam up good/deal/price
rat bastard

there are many more, and all equally entertaining based upon the situations.

the problem with isms, is once people point them out to you, you don't really want to use them anymore. you try to avoid them, but like a bad habit out of your mouth they pop. speaking of pop. (no i haven't had an soda, silly.)

let me tell you about the mouse story...this was a fun day in my life...

the office used to be set up a little differently and the filing cabinets were in the next office over (now the storage/refrigerator/crap pile room). darwin was outside on the phone, drew was piddling around, mike and johnny were doing whatever it was that mike and johnny did (or lack thereof), and i was being good little office manager and filing stuff away in appropriate places. soooo. i open the filing cabinet not really paying attention and there is a mouse. A MOUSE. A REAL LIVE HONEST TO GOD MOUSE just sitting on top of the files. sooo not okay. i screamed, threw the files and ran away. i am pretty sure everyone thought that i had been shot. i tap danced around screaming. what, what happened? THERE IS A MOUSE IN THE FILING CABINET! IN THE F-ING FILING CABINET. laughter erupts. (aside from me of course, i am still trying not to cry.)

johnny tells me: what you ain't never seen a mouse before? come on white girl.

listen, i've seen mice, but i do not want to see mice. i do not like mice. i do not care for mice. there beady little eyes and that tail. gross. enough said.

so mouse scurries away and they all think i am crazy and a scaredy cat. phenomenal.

later that year, i have another encounter with this mouse. he is just walking across the my office just cool as can be. i am having a stare down with a mouse. go figure. i knew that little bugger would be back to haunt me.

i am still convinced that no one believes me about the mouse in the filing cabinet. i mean i wouldn't believe me.

this coincides with another story about cockroaches, but that will have to wait until i have feeling in my fingers.

adios.

silly.

you know what is fun about being a girl working in lumber? the shock factor.

it's like when you know someone by phone relationship only and you build this idea of what they look like and then you meet them and you were WAY off. while that is always entertaining and usually a huge let down, i often wonder what people think when they have a phone relationship with me.

if we break down my phone relationships in the viewpoint of those who talk to me it goes like this. a- i sound like i am 12. b- i sound like a 12 year old boy. c- i am awkward. d- let's throw i am awkward in there again. (side note: if you put me in a backwards hat, i am most certainly a 12 year old boy. try it sometime, it's fairly amusing from what i hear and see.)

so what would you picture if that was the description given? because i most certainly picture a nerdy girl (no offense) with a bowl cut. not exactly my type.

which leads to when i meet people for the first time that i have talked on the phone with, i always get this startled look and then a confused look, followed by a complete sentence. i find it entertaining. it gets really entertaining when i start talking and they realize i know what i am talk about. go figure....

take today for instance. i went out to our millwork shop for the first time to drop off some plans. i walk in and ask the man looking curiously at me if Terry was there. "Yeah. You must be Darwin's." - i am now possessed by darwin. how entertaining. - smile and nod. "Terry. Here's Darwin's." - again, really?. "Hey Terry, I'm Dorothy." "Uh. Hey." Okay I've got these plans for you....blah blah blah....lumber talk...problems solved. see i do know what i am talking about.

i find it amusing the presumptions that people have about me. sometimes i play the dumb blonde card because it is amusing or i really like the panicky darwin is on a rampage card, that one is always fun.

i also really like walking into buckhead architect offices wearing jeans and a ratty t-shirt asking to pick up a check for $5,000. that one usually gets unusual looks. mainly from the front office ladies. the look is wiped right off their faces when their boss walks out to sign a check (or attempt to deny checks) and then i use that southern drawl, and blink really fast. then VIOLA checks appear....

ah, lumber. i love being a girl in a guys world. being a tomboy who likes to "occasionally" dress up has its advantages. or it may just be the fact that i am a girl in general...