i feel like when i started this job there should have been one of those yes, no flow charts. if yes proceed to this space, if no follow this line, etc. etc. that would be a very useful piece of paper to have when i started in the small business world. i grew up with a small business, so i should of at least known some of the perils, but apparently i was blind to them. i would like to thank my parents for keeping me blind to such information. in the long run it is best, because you never lose enthusiasm for projects that are sure to implode into your face. you tend to take more risks and be a bit more adventurous when you aren't privy to all the consequences that may be rendered. failing never crosses your mind as an option when you don't know how to fail. all i ever knew was try, try again. if it still doesn't work try even harder. nothing is so unobtainable that you should give up midway. well at least that's my point of view on life.
i've had my fair share of first world troubles. i say first world because it's not as if i am out on the street, scrounging for food and spare change. i've got a pretty sweet set up. some days it's hard to see that, but somedays it's blatantly clear to me. with that being said, it's been a trying year. we will count this year as a school year - august to august. most of them have been trivial, but when you get down to the nitty gritty, working for a small company is very tiring and all encompassing.
i love what i do and i will never walk away, but somedays it's like repeatedly getting punched while you are down. especially when you have done nothing wrong. it's flat out terrible. you can't breathe, everything hurts, you can forget about sleeping, and the worrying. the worrying is the worst. it puts that knot in your stomach that makes you feel like you are constantly on the verge of throwing up. you get so crazy you don't know whether to laugh or to cry. the past two weeks had been like that here. everywhere you turn someone else is throwing in a punch. you try and stand still to avoid it, but it makes it worse. every move you make is another trap. everyone has those days when all you can think is "i just can't win," but when they last for months at a time, it gets to the point where every breath you take feels like a sumo wrestler is standing on your chest.
i'm slowly putting the pieces back together, but man it is difficult sometimes. when you care so much about the company you work for it's hard to see it in a bind. especially when you would do anything for the people you work with or in my case (seeing as i am the only employee) work for. they become your family and nothing is harder than worrying about your family. no one wants to see people they care immensely about have a tough time. you do anything to make sure they know you are rooting for them. but being the cheerleader is a big responsibility. it's tough work. sometimes that smile is fighting back tears, but more often than not that smile shows the world that you believe and you refuse to give up.
i believe. albeit a lot of times that smile is really holding back tears, but man i promise you i keep on believing. if you can't believe then you've got a big problem staring at you. the moment you stop believing is the moment doubt enters and sabotages everything you have worked for. and i mean everything. all of it comes crashing down. maybe not all at one time, but so fast that some of it that falls you would never in a million years guessed would.
it takes a tough person to run in the small business rodeo circuit. i'm pretty tough. not as tough as i should be in certain situations, but i'm working on it. i'm also working on being calmer. that one i am still not very good at. i know when i am falling apart, and i also know that i haven't mastered the art of deception. you can read me like an open book. happy, sad, angry. all of it. right there for the world to see. working with/for darwin i have learned a lot about myself. i have also learned a lot of things that are pertinent to survival around here. when to cry, when to yell. those are all things that are only appropriate at certain times. i by no means have perfected those, but i'm getting better. some days i just give up and let it out, but some days you can't. you've got to be the strong one. the one who fights for what's theirs (ours) and sticks to their guns.
so let this be a lesson in small business. be tough. be really really tough. but never, ever, ever forget who you are and who you want to be. you will get eaten alive if you don't stay grounded. surround yourself with people you love and trust. they will understand when the world is crumbling you just need that one hug, that one phone call, that one (or 12) beers. they have no idea the hardships, but they know how to be there for you. that's all anyone can ask for. i have a lot of that and i am eternally grateful for the countless hours on the phone to home about how i am imploding, or to my best friend for going rock climbing with me because she knew i needed it even though she felt like vomiting, to my boss who knows when to let me freak out and how to handle me at my best and at my worst. these are more than any girl could ever ask for, and i hope that i am at least half as good as they are.
ciao.
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